Making Marriage Work

By Norman Pence

 Introduction
  1. GROUND RULES
    1. This is not a group therapy or sex therapy class.
    2. This is no place to air specific family problems.
    3. This is no place to throw a dig or dart at your spouse.
    4. We will use the Bible as our "marriage manual" and must take extra care about forcing our opinions.
    5. This class is not for the purpose of making your spouse a better husband or wife, but to help you be a better spouse.
    6. Our purpose is not only to help each of us to see what our responsibilities as husbands and wives are in view of the fact that God has created us and joined us together, but also to help us develop the proper relationship that God intended for us to have from the beginning.
    7. We must learn to see ourselves in the marriage relationship first as Christians and second as husbands and wives.
  2. BACKGROUND
    1. According to reputable statistics five out of every ten marriages occurring in America will end in bitter conflict and divorce.
      1. This is a tragic and especially since many who claim to be Christians are also included in those statistics.
    2. But have you ever wondered what happens to the other five? Do they sail blissfully into the sunset and live "happily ever after."
      1. According to clinical psychologist Neil Warren, all five will stay together for a lifetime, but in varying degrees of disharmony. Only one or two will achieve the "intimacy" in their relationship that God planned and wants for them.
    3. The following article by Paul Earnhart will serve well as an introduction.

      Marriage is not an object to be admired or an idea to be wondered at, it is a practical social institution designed by God to meet certain created human needs. It is a provision of God, given to bless and fulfill the longings of His creatures.

      But if that is truly the case, how do we explain the living, breathing tragedy that most marriages have become in our twentieth century world. Not by pointing to the complexity of our modern social and economic environment. The secret of our failures in marriage does not lie anywhere outside our own hearts and the choices we have each made. Does this seem to dim the prospects for improvement? It ought to do the very opposite. Our ability to alter our circumstances is very limited, but we have absolute control over our attitudes. We may not be able to change our environment, but we can certainly change our values.

      There are millions of married couples in today’s world who are filled with hurt, anger, and despair, and who see no solution to their misery but the divorce courts. Experience teaches me that there are marriages among Christians which are characterized by a grinding sense of hopeless resignation to a relationship that no longer yields either joy or blessing. The seemingly endless demand for more books on marriage reveals that a lot of these unhappy couples, in the church and out, are looking for help rather than escape. God’s answer is that there is not only hope, there is absolute hope.

      The marriage problem of our times is a sin problem. That may sound simplistic, but marriage is a human relationship, and there is nothing that can devastate a human relationship like sin. At the heart of sin is a concern for self, and at the heart of every warm, loving and profound human relationship is a concern for the other. Marriage, like all social ties, cannot flourish until the participants find a higher love than the one they usually aspire to. What marriage partners need in order to love one another is to love God. And if we are to truly love God, we are going to have to repent of an awful lot of rebellion and pride and selfishness (Luke 15:18). And how can we love God if we will not love as He loves, graciously, patiently, concerned always for what the beloved needs rather than with what he deserves? This kind of love is not a feeling of the heart, which comes unbidden and unsought, but a moral resolve by which one determines to do good to others regardless of what they deserve or how they behave toward us.

      The greatest marriage manual that has ever been written is the Bible, not because it addresses itself exclusively to that subject, but because it speaks to the needs of sinful men and the wicked attitudes that have destroyed our relationship with God and polluted our relationships with others including, most tragically our own marriage partners. If we would draw nearer to our husbands and wives, then let us draw nearer to God.

      What the succeeding articles are saying to us is that marriages are failing because the individuals in them are failing to be Christ-like in attitude, and that when those attitudes are changed, there is every reason to believe that we can build a secure, loving, and wonderfully rewarding relationship in our marriages.

      But, it is objected, my partner and I have lost all affection and desire for one another. How can you rekindle a marriage that is dead? The selfless love of commitment has the power to make friends of enemies and lovers of strangers (Genesis 24:64-67). But, says another, I am the only one who cares; how can one person rebuild a shattered relationship? It is strange for Christians to ask that question. We certainly did not care when Jesus went on patiently loving us, giving up His own life for our sakes. The Lord has obviously not succeeded with all, but He has succeeded with us; maybe we can succeed with our mates (marriage counselors say so). How will we know unless we try?

      Marriage will work wonderfully well when we decide to be the kind of people that God wants us to be. Then we can have all this, and heaven too.

      via Christianity Magazine, Vol. 5, No. 5
    4. Each of us should give much prayer and meditation to this important subject. Marriage was God’s idea, He designed it for our blessing and happiness. The relationship we would like to have can happen, but not by accident. The truly successful and happy marriage will only happen as we learn to imitate Christ, let His attitude rule our hearts and show the same love and concern for our partner that He has for us.

Myths and Potholes That Can Ruin Your Marriage

  1. MYTHS:
    1. Marital weaknesses should be pinpointed and fixed.
    2. Fun can wait.
    3. Warning signs of a troubled marriage are easy to spot.
    4. Good sex makes a good marriage.
    5. The real strength of a marriage is based on emotional and financial security.
    6. Being a good husband or wife comes natural.
    7. The longer you live together the easier it is.
    8. It takes both partners to save a marriage.
    9. The longer we are married the less we enjoy each other.
    10. Divorce without remarriage is always an option.
  2. POTHOLES:
    1. Hiding from intimacy – avoiding your spouse.
    2. Confiding in others – fantasize about an affair.
    3. Constantly think of your mate’s faults and don’t recognize their good traits.
    4. No time for Bible study and prayer.
    5. Stop cultivating common interests.
    6. Taking one another for granted.
    7. Television: channel hoggers and hoppers.
    8. Singular point of view.
    9. Expecting your mate to read your mind.

Marriage: The Vow to One’s Spouse

Intro: The "vow" which sealed in marriage the betrothal promise made when a couple "plighted their troth" (pledged their trust or fidelity) is the topic of this lesson.

  1. MAKING VOWS:
    1. What is a vow? Cf. Num. 30:2; Prov. 20:25
    2. What is an oath? Cf. Gen. 24:1-4; 47:29-31; 31:50; Judges 8:19; 2 Sam. 2:27
    3. What was God’s attitude toward making vows? Deut. 23:21-23
    4. Do we have the privilege to promise and not carry through? Matt. 5:37; 12:36; Cf. Eph. 4:15; Rom. 12:9
  2. VOWS TO ONE’S SPOUSE:
    1. Does the Bible specifically mention the "marriage vows"?
    2. What idea is involved in making vows?
    3. What are some vows made by men and women who enter marriage?
    4. Are both parties obligated in the fulfilling of the vows or are some or all of them optional? Eph. 5:22-23
    5. Who else is involved in the making of vows between marriage partners? Mal. 2:14
      1. Is marriage merely a social custom or was God it’s designer and architect? Cf. Gen. 2:21-25
        1. Then whose wishes must be followed?
    6. Discuss how commitment is one of the essential ingredients of the "glue" which holds the marriage together.

Marriage: The Vow to God

  1. MARRIAGE: A CONTRACT ORDAINED BY GOD.
    1. What one thing in all of God’s creation did He find to be "not good"?   Gen. 2:18
      1. What did He do about the situation? Gen. 2:21; Cf. 1 Cor. 11:8-9
    2. What was God’s purpose in marriage? Gen. 2:18; 1:28; 1 Cor. 7:2
    3. Discuss the meaning and significance of each of the following from Gen. 2:18-25:
      1. Leave (severance) –
      2. Cleave (union) –
      3. One flesh (unity) –
      4. Naked…not ashamed (intimacy) –
    4. Who really joins the man and woman together in marriage? Matt. 19:6
      1. Does man have the authority to break the marriage bond? Rom. 1:31; 7:1-3
    5. What is meant by the covenant relationship? Cf. Mal. 2:14
      1. Who is witness to this covenant?
      2. Is it possible to "deal treacherously" with your mate and not sin against God?
    6. How does Jesus’ answer to the Pharisees in Matt. 19:3-6 show that our obligations in marriage extend beyond our spouse and to God? Cf. 2 Sam. 12:13; Eph. 5:22
  2. THINK / APPLICATION
    1. Are we authorized by scripture to leave our spouse and remain single because we "don’t love them any more" or "we just can’t get along"?   Is divorce an option? 
      Scripture____________________
  3. SUMMARY
    1. Marriage is not merely a civil contract. It is an agreement by which a man and a woman agree before God to live together as husband and wife, mutually accepting all the rights and responsibilities of that relationship. It is not for everyone (Matt. 19:10-12). It is for those who desire to be married, who love God, and who will love their mate: it is for those who will keep the vows they have made to God and to their spouse.

Solid Marriages: Where to Begin

  1. INTRODUCTION
    1. "A good marriage is one of the most satisfying experiences in the world, and one of God’s greatest gifts. It is two people who love each other emotionally, physically, and spiritually; who love life and the challenge of meeting a lifetime of joy, sadness, seeking and discovering together." Celebrating Marriage: Growing in Love.
    2. "A Christian marriage can never fail, but the people in that marriage can fail. There is a vast difference between the two possibilities. So if the marriage of two Christians seems to fail, it is either that they were ignorant of God’s purpose, or unwilling to commit themselves to it." Dwight Hervey Small
    3. William Lyons Phelps wrote: "The highest happiness on earth is in marriage. Every man who is happily married is a successful man even if he has failed in everything else. And every man whose marriage is a failure is not a successful man even if he has succeeded in everything else."
    4. Marriages are not "made in heaven," i.e., miraculously brought about and foreordained and predestined by God. They are made here on earth by human beings.
      1. Successful and happy marriages are the products of conscious planning and living. They are not accidents.
    5. Discuss modern trends concerning marriage.
    6. Show from the Scriptures the reason God created marriage.
    7. In marriage who possesses whom? 1 Cor. 7:2-5
    8. What are some needs that God intended for marriage to fill?
  2. FOR THOSE THINKING OF MARRIAGE
    1. Why is prayer so important?
    2. The two most important decisions we can make.
      1. Becoming a Christian.
      2. Choosing a mate.
        1. How can a wrong choice about the second decision affect the primary decision?
        2. How should the decision in #1 affect the choice in #2?
    3. Who is scripturally eligible to marry? Cp. Rom. 7:1-3; Matt. 5:32; 19:9
    4. Be sure you understand the significance of taking a vow! Eccl. 5:4-5; Rom. 1:31; Rev. 21:8; Rom. 12:17
    5. What is the purpose of courtship?
      1. Discuss the length and it’s dangers and advantages.
    6. Are you ready to make adjustments in your habits and attitudes? Read 1 Cor. 13:3-7
      1. What will be necessary in overcoming personality quirks?
    7. Who has primary responsibility for providing financially for the family? Cp. 1 Tim. 5:8
    8. Who has primary responsibility for keeping the house? 1 Tim. 5:13
    9. Be willing to listen to advice.
  3. GENERAL – WHERE TO BEGIN TO MAKE IT WORK
    1. What principle do we learn from Psa. 127:1?
      1. What is the root problem of nearly all marriage problems?
    2. How long did God intend for marriage to last? Give scripture.
    3. What are some character traits essential to a mature and successful relationship?
    4. What are some attitudes essential to make a happy marriage?
    5. What is the single best thing a person can do to prepare for marriage? Cp. Col. 1:28
    6. How does the principle in Gal. 2:20 apply to marriage? Cp. Rom. 5:8

Communication: An Essential for Survival

  1. INTRODUCTION
    1. What is communication and what is it’s purpose?
    2. Most arguments are due to faulty communication, which creates misunderstanding. It is how we speak as well as what we say, a gesture, an action. Too often we are sending one message and meaning another.
    3. Show how the command to "dwell according to knowledge" (1 Pet. 3:7) involves communication.
    4. Is all conversation good communication?
    5. Importance of communication. Job 19:2; 1 Pet. 3:10; Prov. 18:21; Prov. 21:23
    6. What does James say would go a long way in communicating? Jas. 1:19; Cp. Eccl. 5:2; Mk. 4:24; Lk. 8:18
    7. Attitudes set the context for all communication.
      1. A change in attitude brings a change in words.
      2. When attitudes and words change, so will the deeds.
  2. BARRIERS TO GOOD COMMUNICATION
    1. Discuss how each of the following can cause communication breakdown.
      1. Uncontrolled temper.
      2. Sarcasm / teasing. Prov. 26:19
      3. Nagging / whining. Prov. 19:13
      4. Faultfinding.
      5. Overcommittment to job, hobbies, etc.
      6. Silence.
      7. Gossip. Prov. 25:9
      8. Lying / deception. Prov. 12:22
      9. Assuming we are understood.
      10. Not saying what we really mean.
      11. Bitterness / anger. Prov. 22:24; 29:11; Col. 3:19
      12. Wrapped up in children.
      13. Commitments away from home.
      14. Low self esteem and self confidence.
      15. Not being a good listener.
  3. PRINCIPLES OF GOOD COMMUNICATION
    1. What Principle of good communication is learned from the following Scriptures?
      1. Col. 4:6
      2. Eph. 4:32; Cp. Prov. 19:22; 31:26
      3. Prov. 18:13
  1. PRACTICAL STEPS TO GOOD COMMUNICATION
    1. Love serves. 1 Cor. 13:4-8
    2. Be honest.
    3. Active Listening. Matt. 11:25; 13:9; 13:43; Prov. 18:2, 13
    4. Care enough to confront. Gal. 2:11; Cp. Matt. 18:15-20
    5. Transparency, openness.
    6. Learn how to deal with anger. Eph. 4:26-27; Cp. Psa. 4:4
    7. Learn to accept or ignore criticism. Prov. 12:16
    8. Confess our faults – immediately – don’t put it off. James 5:16; Prov. 28:13
    9. Prayer.
    10. Don’t talk on the run – take time.
    11. Spend time together – alone. Cp. Mark 6:31
    12. Pay attention to each other.
    13. Talk freely about your feelings, but not in such a way that your partner feels rebuked or criticized.
      1. The behavior we show our partner will usually bring forth similar behavior.
    14. Show your vulnerable side – don’t be afraid to say, "I need you."
  2. WAYS OF COMMUNICATION
    1. Verbal
      1. What do the following Scriptures teach about verbal communication?
        1. Eph. 4:29
        2. Eph. 5:4
        3. Col. 3:8
        4. Col. 4:6
        5. Matt. 12:34-35
        6. Rom. 14:19
        7. James 1:19
        8. Eccl. 10:12-14
        9. Prov. 16:21
        10. Prov. 15:1, 2, 4, 7, 23
    2. Non-verbal
      1. Facial Expressions
        1. Frown
        2. Smile
        3. "Sparkle of the eye"
      2. Body Language
        1. Eye Contact
        2. Closeness
        3. Touching
        4. Gesturing
        5. Posturing
          arms
          eyes
          hunched backwards
        6. Vocal Emphasis

"When communication breaks down, so does the marriage. Each partner is now more vulnerable to feeling drawn to another with whom they can communicate – i.e., the smile and good attitude, the words and the little thoughtful deeds of that fellow worker or neighbor begin to fill a vacuum that can so easily sweep one into a sinful relationship.

Husbands and wives, get it together – communicate! Get your heart and attitude right. You might have to begin by once again doing those special deeds and saying those special words. Doing and saying are powerful tools in changing one’s attitude. Do it for the sake of what is good and right. The good, the sweet, the uplifting – think them, say them and do them and watch your relationship renew, mend and strengthen…and thank God!"

–– Tommy Poarch

Five Kinds of Married Love

  1. INTRODUCTION
    1. Our English language supplies us with only one word for love. It is many times inadequate for what we want to say and is much overworked as is illustrated by Edgar Allen Poe when he wrote, "We loved with a love that was more than love."
      1. Just having one word leads to confusion and absurd comparisons.
        1. We love fried chicken or quiche Larraine, thus comparing our companion of 30 years to a French cheese pie.
        2. We love our parents and children but we also love football, baseball, and books, apparently putting Mom and Dad in the same category as the Cincinnati Reds and the Dallas Cowboys.
        3. Not only do we love Jesus Christ, King of kings and Lord of lords, but we also love Bob Hope and Bill Cosby.
      2. We all know what we mean by these "love" statements and they are not the same loves that we desire to have in our marriage.
    2. As we study these five Greek words for love, remember this is not a language exercise, but a practical explanation of what love-life in marriage should be when love is finding its full expression in the relationship.
      1. By the way, we cannot pick and choose the kinds of love we prefer and discard the others. Each builds on the other. Each has its own special, significant place.
  2. LOVE AND MARRIAGE
    1. Need to go back to the beginning. Gen. 2:18-25
      1. Marriage is God’s good and perfect gift.
      2. Two principles are involved.
        1. It is God’s will in every marriage that a couple love each other with an absorbing, spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.
        2. It is possible for any Christian couple to develop this love relationship because it is a product of a right relationship with God, but it is only possible within the will of God – a lifetime relationship.
      3. Only such as God joins together can become one. The union is spiritual as well as physical – body, soul and spirit GOD HAS JOINED YOU!
      4. Divorce is a massacre, it does not leave two whole persons. Submission to God’s will brings marriage truly alive.
      5. Your marriage can live – soar – if you are willing to trust God and do His will.
      6. Let’s forsake our rigidity, timidity, and unbelief and look forward expectantly to the love-life God has for us and our partners.
    2. Myths about love.
      1. Mysterious and difficult to understand and express.
        1. Gordon Lightfoot had a song years ago that said, "We don’t know what went wrong, but the feelin’s gone and we just can’t get it back."
        2. Many feel the same today – "It’s not our fault, the love is just gone."
        3. God’s marriage manual (the Bible) says love can be felt, can be taught, can be learned and if we have not experienced that, it is our fault. But we can "get it back" by simply following God’s instructions.
      2. Love comes easy and natural.
        1. Love is not easy and does not come natural.
        2. We must learn what love is in God’s word. The Bible is about relationships and marriage is a relationship.
        3. If we think we can experience married love by what comes naturally we are guaranteed failure.
        4. Love is a skill, not merely an emotion.
        5. Love is a power under my control which can produce love as I learn to give it, not as I strive to attract it. (1 John 4:19)
  3. A BIBLICAL VIEW OF SEX
    1. What is God’s attitude toward the sexual relationship? Heb. 13:4; 1 Tim. 5:14; Prov. 18:22; 19:14
    2. What is God’s designed purpose for the sexual relationship?
      1. Gen. 1:28
      2. Gen. 2:18-25
      3. 1 Cor. 7:2-5
        1. How do we know Paul was speaking about the sexual relationship in 1 Cor. 7:2-5?
        2. How do we determine who is to experience the sexual relationship?
        3. Where did God intend for this sexual relationship to take place? Heb. 13:4
      4. Prov. 5:15-20
        1. Why should couples not be embarrassed to talk about this subject?
  4. DESIRING EACH OTHER [EPITHUMIA]
    1. EPITUMIA is a word the Bible never calls love but describes a very important aspect of the love affair between husband and wife.
      1. It means a strong desire--sometimes good, sometimes bad; to set the heart on, long for.
      2. When used in the Bible in a negative way it is translated LUST.
      3. When used in a positive way it is translated DESIRE, this is the meaning we wish to study.
      4. This love says, "I have a strong desire to be with you."
    2. Is sexual desire illicit, dark, something to apologize for? Cp. Heb. 13:4
      1. What does the Bible call it when two people seek this kind of intimacy outside of marriage?
      2. Is this kind of love a good basis upon which to establish a marriage?
    3. How did Amnon love Tamar?  2 Sam. 13
    4. What does 1 Cor. 7:1-5 teach about this kind of love?
    5. How can husband and wife improve this relationship?
    6. In what kind of atmosphere does this love best grow and develop?
  5. ROMANTIC LOVE – THE THRILL FACTOR [EROS]
    1. EROS is not found in the New Testament, but its counterpart is found in the Old Testament, and the entire Song of Solomon is an example of it.
    2. What English word comes from EROS?
    3. This love, more than any other, carries with it the idea of Romance.
      1. Is Romance just physical desire, or does it include a longing for the total personality for the beloved?
      2. What kind of love did Jacob have for Rachel?  Gen. 29:17-20
    4. Does this love come natural or does it have to be learned and cultivated?
    5. EROS has a problem, however.
      1. It is a selfish love which asks, "What can I get out of this relationship?" instead of caring about "What can I give or put into this relationship?"
      2. It needs help because it is changeable and can't last a lifetime all by itself.
  1. THE GIFT OF BELONGING [STORGE]
    1. STORGE love is one of the most comforting aspects of love in marriage.
    2. Dr. Ed Wheat, in his book "Love Life for Every Married Couple", describes it as "a comfortable old shoe relationship comprised of natural affection and a sense of belonging to each other...Storge love in marriage meets the need we all have to belong, to be a part of a closeknit circle where people care and give the utmost loyalty to each other...Storge provides an atmosphere of security in which the other loves of marriage can safely dwell and flourish."
    3. This love will cause a husband and wife to have a realistic attitude toward each other, to need each other's companionship, and care about each other's well being.
    4. STORGE is love within a family---whether it be parents and children, brothers and sisters in Christ, or husband and wife bonded together in a oneness that has it's roots in Genesis 2:24.
    5. What does Rom. 12:10 say about storge love?  (the key words are "kindly affectioned" or "devoted")
    6. What did Paul say would be a characteristic of some in the last days? 2 Tim. 3:3; Cp. Rom. 1:31
    7. How did Paul describe the Gentile world of his day? Rom. 1:31
    8. Applying these Biblical principles to your marriage relationship specifically, would you say that to treat your own partner without this warm, kind, devoted affection is unnatural?
      1. Why?
    9. Discuss each of the following characteristics and their importance in the marriage relationship:
      1. Practical Oneness.  Husband and wife need to develop a "couple viewpoint."
      2. Supportive Loyalty.  Cp. 1 Cor. 13:7
      3. Mutual Trust. Cp. Prov. 31:10-12
      4. Emotional Refuge. Cp. Eccl. 4:9-12
      5. Comfortable Familiarity.  This means you enjoy being together.
    10. STORGE love simply says, "My family is important to me, other relationships may fail or be unfulfilling but with her/him I feel safe and all my needs are satisfied, she/he is my confidant and I want her/him to feel safe and satisfied with me."
      1. This is a sheltering love, one that says to the beloved, "you have a place here, you belong here."
    11. A marriage without this love is like being exposed to all the outside elements with no place to go for shelter.
    12. Because this love, like all the others, can begin with a choice to do what needs to be done in order to develop it, you possess the power to give your partner the wonderful gift of belonging.
  2. BECOMING BEST FRIENDS [PHILEO]
    1. Dear Abby: "Do all marriages go stale after 25 years?  Ours has.  My husband and I don't seem to have much to talk about any more.  We used to talk about our kids, but now they're grown and gone and we're out of conversation.  We watch a lot of television and we do have friends, but when we are alone together we have nothing to say to each other."
      1. What was wrong with this couples relationship?
      2. What can they do to improve their situation?
    2. In the marriage vow we promise to love and cherish.  What does it mean to cherish a marriage partner?
    3. When we understand the love the Greek New Testament calls PHILEO, we will have the answers, and we will better know how to cherish and become cherished in our own marriage.
    4. This is a love of friendship, comradeship, sharing, communication.
      1. While EROS makes lovers, PHILEO makes best friends who enjoy closeness and companionship.  They share each other's thoughts, feelings, attitudes, plans, and dreams---the most intimate things they would share with no one else.
    5. Show how this love is expressed in the following passages:
      1. John 11:3
      2. Titus 2:3-4
      3. Heb. 13:1
      4. Rom. 12:10
      5. 1 Sam. 18:1; 2 Sam. 1:26
    6. Discuss these ingredients of friendship love (perhaps you can think of others):
      1. Companionship.
      2. Comradeship.
      3. Sharing-togetherness-time.
      4. Communication.
      5. Trust.
      6. Tender affection.
      7. Closeness.
      8. Cooperation.
    7. Discuss these three phases of developing friendship:
      1. Relaxation - learn to be comfortable with each other.
      2. Rapport - share yourself with your partner.
      3. Revelation - Freely open and totally interdependent.
    8. Remember friendship love must be fed.  You cannot attain it and then forget it.   Friends can drift away.
    9. What is a friend?
    10. "Cherishing!  It never happens quickly...But two of you cooperating can bring this cherishing about, slowly, beautifully, like the unfolding of a flower."   Dr. Ed Wheat

The Agape Way

  1. A LOVE BASED ON CHOICE, NOT EMOTION OR DUTY
    1. Unlike the other four, this love is fueled by the will, not the emotions.
      1. This love has the capacity to persist in the face of rejection and continue on when there is no response at all.
      2. It is never deflected by unlovable behavior and gives gladly to the undeserving without totaling the cost.
      3. It is unconditional, unchanging, inexhaustible, generous beyond measure, and most wonderfully kind!
      4. AGAPE is totally unselfish, and is exercised as a choice of the will   and has no dependence on feelings.  It is a love of action, not emotion.   It focuses on what you do and say rather then how you feel.
    2. How does Rom. 5:5-8 and John 3:16 illustrate the nature of AGAPE love?
    3. Can anything separate us from God's love?  Rom. 8:38-39
      1. Would you say God's love was conditional or unconditional?
  1. CHARACTERISTICS OF AGAPE
    1. List, define and apply to the marriage relationship the characteristics given in 1 Cor. 13:4-8:
      1.  
      2.  
      3.  
      4.  
      5.  
      6.  
      7.  
      8.  
      9.  
      10.  
      11.  
      12.  
      13.  
      14.  
      15.  
    2. Does this love come naturally or does it have to be learned?
    3. To what degree did Christ love the church? Eph. 5:25
      1. What is the application to husbands?
      2. Is he to love her more than any other person? Eph. 5:31
    4. AGAPE is the greatest of all virtues (1 Cor. 13:13).  As you demonstrate genuine love for each other, the way God designed it, your relationship will be enriched beyond measure.
      1. It is unquestionably God's will for you and your partner to love each other with an absorbing, spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow throughout your lifetime together.
  2. QUESTIONS TO EVALUATE WHETHER YOU HAVE AGAPE LOVE
    1. Is my treatment of other people usually based on their behavior?
    2. Does my partner's performance determine the degree of love I give him/her?
    3. Do I think love should be shown only as a reward for good behavior?
    4. Do I think my partner has to change before I can love him/her?
    5. Do I think I can improve my partner's behavior by withholding love?
    6. Am I reacting to other people most of the time (instead of acting toward them)?
  3. HOW TO DEVELOP AGAPE LOVE FOR YOUR MATE
    1. Choose with your will to love your mate unconditionally and permanently through attitude, word and deed.  (Remember this love is plugged into an eternal power source, and can go on operating when every other kind of love fails---it can keep on loving no matter what!)
    2. Develop the knowledge you need in order to do the very best for your mate.
    3. Apply everything you know in giving unconditional love.  Pour your life into it.
      1. We cannot do this if we are filled with a sense of self-pity, our partner must come first.
  4. WHAT AGAPE REALLY MEANS
    1. ACTION, not just a kind and gentle attitude.
    2. INVOLVEMENT, not a comfortable detachment from the needs of others.
    3. UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING the unlovable, the undeserving, and the unresponsive.
    4. PERMANENT COMMITMENT to the object of one's love.
    5. CONSTRUCTIVE, PURPOSEFUL GIVING based on a knowledge of what is best for the beloved.
    6. CONSISTENCY OF BEHAVIOR, showing an ever-present concern for the beloved's highest good.
    7. "AGAPE love is referring to a lifestyle.  It says, 'I've decided I'm going to love you.  Even on days we don't feel particularly close, I'm going to act lovingly toward you.'  This is the kind of love that can be willed and learned."   Bob Buchanon

Christ and Husbands: The Humility of Headship

  1. INTRODUCTION:
    1. "As a young husband, I thought headship granted me a long list of privileges.   That was how I understood my role as head of my wife.  And I interpreted the command to love her in ways that were more physical than relational.  You can imagine what our relationship was like.  It took longer than I like to remember to understand headship as a responsibility rather than a privilege, and as not granted for my benefit as a husband, but for the proper care and keeping of my wife.  "Headship is God's claim on my life to do all I can to help her be all that she can be."  James W. (Jim) Poppell, Christianity Magazine
    2. "A man will pursue and charm a woman with words or flowers or whatever he needs to do to win her.  But after the wedding he feels he has conquered her.  She is his, so he doesn't have to maintain the same level of enthusiasm and creativity as he did before they married.  She is his emotionally and legally.  The husband may say to himself, 'I have a wife.  Now I need to conquer business...become a better hunter...begin a family....'  Each frontier is viewed as a conquest, a new experience."  Gary Smalley, The Joy of Committed Love.
      1. What lesson from Prov. 27:7 can be learned here?
    3. I suppose most of us alternate between feeling good about our role as husbands and wondering if we really know what we're doing.
      1. The concept of "husband" is defined in relation to his "wife".   This is a lifelong relationship and must be cultivated.
      2. It is a first essential that husbands realize the true value of a good wife.
        1. We've joked long enough about marriage being a wonderful institution for anyone who wants to spend the rest of their life in an institution.
        2. What do we learn from Prov. 18:22 and 19:14?
        3. Running down our marriage partner and criticizing in public erects barriers that will destroy the relationship.  Your wife is a true blessing from God, and she chose you.   You obtained the favor of God when He gave her to you and joined the two of you together.  Don't be afraid to admit you need her.  Tell her---often.  A husband's role is to see that his wife is nourished in every way---spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically.
  2. THE HUMILITY OF HEADSHIP
    1. Who did Jesus say would be greatest in His kingdom?  Matt. 20:25-28
    2. If we desire to renew our minds and to think like Christ, we need to consider these:
      1. What were His thoughts?  Phil. 2:5-8
      2. What were Paul's thoughts on the same subject?  Phil. 2:17, 22
    3. How does all of this apply to husbands?
  3. "HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES!"
    1. If a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, how does Christ love the church?  Eph. 5:25-27, 29.
      1. What was His motive for loving her in this way?
      2. List three ways husbands are to love their wives.
        1.  
        2.  
        3.  
      3. What motive should the husband have for loving her with this kind of love?  Cp. Eph. 5:25-29
        1. What does it mean to nourish?
        2. What does it mean to cherish?
      4. Discuss the fact that there is no command for a wife to love (agapao) her husband.
  4. GETTING TO KNOW HER (1 Peter 3:7)
    1. Gary Smalley observed that a plumber's license requires four years of training, but a marriage license requires nothing but two willing bodies and sometimes a blood test.   Many men marry with absolutely no knowledge of how to build a meaningful and lasting relationship.
    2. "Dwelling with your wife according to knowledge" means more than being aware that she has cold feet.  Notice some ways in which women differ from men:
      1. Biological difference - Gen. 3:16
        1. Childbearing capacity
        2. Hormonal influence
      2. Mental/Emotional differences - Gen. 3:16a
        1. Women have a deeper interest in people and feelings--building relationships.
        2. Women become an intimate part of their surroundings.
        3. Women often need more time for change.
        4. Women tend to express their hostility verbally whereas men tend to be more physically violent.
        5. Because of reproductive capacity women have a greater concern for the future, a greater need for security, stability, and enduring relationships.
        6. Men tend to develop more self-esteem and ego.
      3. Sexual difference
        1. Men more easily aroused visually.  The women's more complex nature requires arousal by touch and romantic words, she is more attracted by personality than by sight.   With the woman the relationship is most important.
      4. Physical differences
        1. Though women tend to have greater endurance than men, they are inferior to men in terms of sheer size and strength of body.
        2. The women's physical makeup is suited to the role she is intended to play, just as the man's physical qualities suit his own responsibilities.  Consider the following passages:  1 Tim. 5:8; 5:14; Titus 2:4-5; Gen. 2:15; 3:17-19;
    3. In what way is the husband and the wife equal?  1 Cor. 11:1-2; Eph. 5:21; 1 Cor. 7:3-5
    4. What does it mean to "honor" your wife?
      1. In what ways should a man especially honor his wife?
    5. What is the penalty for failure of a husband to live with his wife according to knowledge and to honor her?
    6. What is God's attitude toward husbands who abuse their wives?  Malachi 2:13-15

Christ and Wives: The Strength of Submission

  1. INTRODUCTION
    1. The word "subjection," when referring to the wife's relationship to her husband, conjures up images of slavery in the minds of today's feminists.  It is believed to be a token of inferiority and inequality, and relegates the wife to sub-human and second-class status in the family. 
      1. "Convinced that being subject to a husband is tantamount to being victims of sexist chauvinism, they have surrendered to being equal to man, when in their appointed area they are vastly his superior.  They have learned to dress, drink, compete, cuss, carry on and philander like men of the world.  In general they have become such an imitator of him as to have destroyed the precious and beautiful identity they once had.  The promised liberty has become just another form of bondage, and the equality has resulted in a step downward rather than one of elevation...
        Woman was the object of God's creation for man and, like all else of His creative works, that for which she was designed and purposed was good.  In this facet of her life, that of being a wife, she approaches the very summit of divine intent."
        ----George Lemasters
    2. "Subjection" makes no statement regarding inferiority or superiority.
      1. This is evident in the business world.  Employees are subject to their employers, but are often more intelligent and talented and are not considered subhuman or second-class citizens because someone rules over them.
      2. Roles, whether submission or dominion, say nothing of themselves about ability or value.   They speak only of function and responsibilities.
  2. BASIS OF SUBJECTION
    1. What is the divine order of "subjection" or authority?  1 Cor. 11:3
      1. Does this mean the man is superior to the woman?  1 Cor. 11:11,12
    2. Give two reasons for this subjection.  1 Cor. 11:8-9; 1 Tim. 2:12-14; Gen. 3:16
      1.  
      2.  
  3. WIVES BE IN SUBJECTION
    1. What is the place of "in-laws" after marriage?  Gen. 2:24
      1. Unto whom is the wife to be in subjection?  1 Pet. 3:1
    2. What qualifying phrases does Paul use about subjection?  Eph. 5:22; Col. 3:18
    3. Define the word "subjection."
      1. To what is the subjection compared?  Eph. 5:24
    4. Define "obey" and note who it described.  1 Pet. 3:6
    5. To whom is the wife ultimately subject?  Matt. 28:18
  4. QUALITIES THAT PRODUCE SUBMISSION
    1. What is the real reason wives should submit?  Prov. 31:30
      1. What is a practical reason for submitting to unloving husbands?  1 Pet. 3:1
    2. What is a godly woman's attitude toward her husband?  Eph. 5:33
      1. Define "fear" or "respect."
      2. List some ways you can show this for your husbands.
    3. List and define each of the qualities in 1 Peter 3:2-4 that a submissive wife must have.
      1.  
      2.  
      3.  
      4.  
      5.  
    4. What does God think of such qualities?  1 Pet. 3:4
    5. How do "holiness" and "love" bring about subjection?  1 Pet. 3:5; Titus 2:4
    6. What attitude does a "worthy woman" show to her family?  Prov. 31:12,14,15,17,19
    7. How does subjection relate to the basics of the Gospel?  Luke 9:23; Matt. 20:20-28
    8. What reward comes from subjection that serves in the kingdom?  1 Pet. 1:6-9
  5. FRUITS OF SUBJECTION
    1. Fulfilling God's intended purpose for her from the beginning.
    2. Establishes happiness, security and well being for all members of the family and is essential in developing the correct environment for home building and nurturing of children.
    3. It is supportive of the husband and encourages him to respond to the wife in regard to her needs and well being.
    4. What could be the benefits in society today if wives would take their God intended role in the home?  Consider:
      1. Divorce, marriage, remarriage.
      2. Teenage pregnancy, abortion, drugs, suicide, child abuse, latch-key kids, high school drop outs, illiteracy, moral standards, etc.
  6. UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCES
    1. How can a husband say something that cuts his wife to the core and an hour later expect her to respond romantically to him?  Why does he feel compelled to lecture her when her feelings are hurt?  How can he lie in complete silence when she so desperately needs his compassion and concern?
      1. According to Gary Smalley in The Joy of Committed Love, many of the problems we experience are based on the fact that men and women are totally different.  He says on page 191, "The differences--emotionally, mentally, and physically--are so extreme that if a husband and wife don't put forth a concentrated effort to gain a realistic understanding of each other, it is nearly impossible for them to have a happy marriage".
    2. Mental/Emotional differences
      1. Men tend to be less "personal" than women.  While women have a deeper interest in people and feelings, men tend to be preoccupied with practicalities and looks at things through logical deduction.  Because of this the man can usually adjust to change quicker and easier than the woman.
    3. Physical differences
      1. It doesn't take much observation to see that men and women differ physically.  The man is rugged, the woman is fragile.  This can be seen by the role each was given by God in the garden.  The man's responsibilities involved the most strength.  He was to dress and keep the garden, Gen. 2:15.  His living would come "by the sweat of thy face" Gen. 3:17-19.  He is the provider 1 Tim. 5:8.  These differ from the woman's role of childbearing and keeper at home, Gen. 3:16, Titus 2:5.
    4. Sexually
      1. The woman's system is more delicate and complex.  While the man needs little or no preparation, the woman is stimulated more by touch, romantic words, tender considerations, and thoughtful deeds.
      2. It is difficult for most men to know how to encourage and love his wife or to treat her in a way that meets her deepest needs.  The wife wants to be a lover, fan, best friend, homemaker, and appreciated partner.
    5. Help him to understand you.  1 Pet. 3:7
  7. MUTUAL SUBMISSION
    1. What do each of the following scriptures have to say about how the husband and wife should treat each other?
      1. Rom. 12:10
      2. Gal. 5:13
      3. Eph. 5:21
      4. 1 Cor. 11:11-12
      5. 1 Cor. 7:3-5
    2. How does Peter sum up the husband and wife relationship?  1 Pet. 3:8-9
      1.  
      2.  
      3.  
      4.  
      5.  
      6.  
      7.  
      8.  
    3. Christ set the example!  He said, "I am one among you as one who serves" Luke 22:27.  It was also said of Him, He "...gave Himself for us that He might redeem us."
      1. Christ gave Himself for the church "daily", and though He was, and still is, the head of the church, He was also it's chief servant.
      2. When we learn to follow His example as husbands and wives in our respective roles, we will realize all the happiness and contentment that God intended for us to have.

Intimacy: The Secret of Staying in Love

  1. INTRODUCTION:
    1. While millions of people find no difficulty in falling in love, over half of that number is unable to stay in love.
    2. The secret of staying in love for any couple who wants a lifelong love affair is INTIMACY.
    3. Many couples have high expectations which are based on their partner’s ability to meet all their wants, needs, wishes and desires for the next fifty years.
      1. Consequently their happiness is going to depend on how well their partner supplies those needs.
    4. This lesson concerns principles of building intimacy in marriage.
      1. Every couple should be totally committed to the challenge of staying in love for a lifetime and enjoying every minute of it!
      2. God intended for husband and wife to have this kind of relationship from the beginning. The principles when properly applied will assure such a relationship.
  2. INTIMACY
    1. What is intimacy?
    2. Is intimacy always of a sexual nature?
    3. What principles concerning intimacy do we learn from Gen. 2:24-25?
    4. What do we learn about intimacy from the following examples?
      1. Isaac and Rebekah, Gen. 24:67
      2. Jacob and Rachel, Gen. 29
      3. Elkanah and Hannah, 1 Sam. 1:1-8
      4. Joseph and Mary, Matt. 1:18-25
  3. BUILDING BLOCKS
    1. Does intimacy happen automatically?
    2. Discuss each of the following four primary factors in developing the intimacy that will cause you to stay in love.
      1. Time
      2. Will
      3. Knowledge
      4. Patience
    3. What principle do we learn from Deut. 24:5?
      1. What does it mean “to cheer up” or “give happiness” to his wife?
  4. ARE YOU OUT OF TOUCH WITH EACH OTHER?
    1. Touching is the most natural act in the world, and our need for it is more basic than our need for sex.
      1. At birth, touch was our first line of communication. The cuddling and loving we received was necessary to our emotional development, even our physical well-being.
      2. We still have a deep need for the warmth, reassurance, and intimacy of touching.
    2. Keeping in touch with our spouse.
      1. Physically
        1. Define “caress”
        2. List some hindrances to physical contact.
      2. Emotionally
        1. A common problem---the basic difficulty people have in forming a deep, meaningful relationship with another person.
        2. List some essentials in establishing an atmosphere in which husband and wife can “keep in touch emotionally.”
      3. Mentally
        1. This level of intimacy involves coming to an agreement about all the important issues that determine the direction of your life.
        2. Setting goals together and accomplishing them together.
      4. Spiritually
        1. Would you say this is the most important way to “keep in touch”?
        2. If so, why?
        3. What are some of the best ways to “keep in touch” spiritually?

Does the Plan Still Work?

  1. INTRODUCTION
    1. According to modern society marriage can be just about anything a couple wants it to be.
      1. Temporary, independent, open, matriarchal, homosexual.
      2. Anarchy in marriage reigns, as in the days of the judges "everyone does what is right in his own eyes."  Judges 21:25
    2. To the Christian marriage may only be what God designed it to be---the union of one male and one female for life.  Matt. 19:4-6
      1. God has designed for husband and wife to experience a wonderful life-long love affair in marriage.
      2. He has provided all the pleasures known to man in their normal, healthy, satisfying form, and as the Creator of marriage and the Author of love His provision includes a love affair full of thrills and joy and lasting satisfaction for every couple, not just a favored few.
      3. Throughout the Bible (The Divine Marriage Manual) and the material covered in these lessons two basic facts are clearly evident:
        1. It is God's will in every marriage that the couple love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, physical attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.
        2. It is possible for any Christian couple to develop this love relationship in their marriage because it is God's express will.
  2. THE DIVINE PLAN FROM THE BEGINNING
    1. Whose idea was it to create two kinds of people?  Gen. 1:27
    2. What was the first problem marriage was designed to meet?  Gen. 2:18
      1. What does the word "helper" mean?
      2. Read Psalm 46:1 -- Now do you see the woman's calling in a "new light?"   Explain.
    3. Describe Adam's reaction when he saw Eve for the first time.  Gen. 2:23
    4. God gave a three part commandment in the beginning as He ordained the marriage relationship.  List each part and be ready to discuss.  Gen. 2:24-25
      1.  
      2.  
      3.  
  3. DOES THE PLAN STILL WORK?
    1. Here is the marriage design as ordained by God at the very beginning----a love relationship so deep, tender, pure and intimate.
    2. But what about today?  What about your marriage?  Can the Divine pattern for marriage really work outside the Garden of Eden?
    3. The fact remains that about one million divorces will spilt American homes this year.   One half of all marriages will fail, the other half will probably remain together, but only one or two percent will achieve what might be called "intimacy" in their relationship.
    4. Will a marriage ordinance given in the perfect environment of the Garden still work for those of us who live in a sin filled world today?  Has God revised His marriage plan to fit prevailing conditions in our world today?
    5. Jesus gives the answer in Matt. 19:3-6 and Mark 10:2-9.
      1. What was His response to the opinions of the "religious leaders" of the day?
      2. Upon what was His answers based?
      3. Many today are looking for an excuse for divorce.  Jesus says their emphasis is all wrong.  The real issue in the eyes of God is the permanence of marriage and our honoring our vows and living by His divine plan.
        1. What happened as a result of the failure of Adam and Eve to obey God's instruction to them?  Gen. 3
        2. How did this affect their relationship to each other?
  4. CONCLUSION
    1. God expects us to revise our behavior to fit His standards for marriage for our good and blessing.  Because of the new life offered in Christ it is possible.
    2. We will not achieve perfection in our marriage, but as we follow the God-given pattern of Gen. 2:24, we will discover the thrills and wonders He planned for us, and we will fulfill the purpose He has set before us of showing His love to a needy world through the example of our own lives.
    3. Marriage was designed by God for the happiness of man and woman.  It is only by His plan that the needs of each other are fully satisfied and the fullness of joy is realized.
    4. It all boils down to this one simple fact: We cannot fulfill our duty as a Christian without giving our partner totally committed, unconditional, self-sacrificing love.
    5. Husbands, we cannot put off the old man (Eph. 4:20-24; Col. 3:8-9) and continue to treat our wives like "the old lady".
    6. Wives cannot subject themselves "as to the Lord" (Eph. 5:22) and dominate their husbands.
MARRIAGE STANDS LITTLE CHANCE OF IMPROVEMENT UNTIL YOU CHANGE.  ALL THE PRAYER YOU CAN CRAM INTO YOUR SCHEDULE WON'T CHANGE A THING IN YOUR HOME UNTIL YOU CHANGE.  AND SHOULD YOU SAY, "I WILL CHANGE WHEN HE DOES," YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU CONSIDER SOMETHING ELSE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE.  THE ONLY REAL PROGRESS IN SAVING A DISINTEGRATING MARRIAGE COMES WHEN THE OFFENDED PARTY HONESTLY PRAYS, "LORD CHANGE THIS MARRIAGE, BEGINNING WITH ME!"

---JOHN D. HESS

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